funny how nowadays blogging is the more private option compared to the frazzle dazzle of twitter and facebook.
i’m just so terribly tired. i’m terribly tired from work and marking and all the little admin duties that are simple in themselves but terrifying when piled up. i no longer dare to check my email; i can’t face it without a sense of dread. i want to throw in the towel and say, look, i can’t do this. i can’t live like this, constantly worrying, fretting, double-guessing and over-thinking. i’ve made so many errors and mistakes and i’m so tired but i can’t sleep at night because i dream of work and i wake thinking of the things i need to do and have yet to do. i want to do well because part of me feels responsible for what happens although everyone tells me that i don’t figure much in the grand scheme of things and a mediocre teacher never really causes harm- but is that true?
though i know a little (a lot) of it is pride- i can’t settle for mediocrity and it’s really my own fault that i drive myself crazy thinking and over-thinking. it’s this constant push-pull; something goes well i become complacent; something goes wrong and it’s a reminder that i’m awful, i’m awful and i’m nothing special.
i dream of too many things at once and nothing gets done. can i do this forever, no- but what is out there that i can do? good days; bad days; bad term.
two more weeks then i can rest and maybe sleep and maybe stop worrying and going crazy in the car and just sitting there because if i get out then it’s back to the world and the grind and the errands and reminders and emails.
i know it’s just another sign of weakness and that i’ve spent so much of my life thinking i’m something special and if i quit it just shows that i can’t take setbacks and obstacles and if i can’t do this then i’ll never succeed at anything life.
two more weeks.
3 comments
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May 22, 2011 at 5:33 am
chen
maybe we are all experiencing menopause
be like a child
August 2, 2011 at 7:34 pm
a
hello,
i came across your blog almost three months ago. i must say it really inspires me. it teaches me a lot about life, gives me many insights and persectives that i had never seen before.
i am still studying, and i have never experienced being a teacher before. my schoolmates and i would often groan at the mention of tests and projects. i have many friends who think that being a student is a burden, and some say that we get a lot more freedom as an adult. while it may be true that adults have more freedom to do things their way, it has dawned on me (through your posts) that us students have it a lot easier than most people in the working world. from this post in particular, i have realized that all my teachers probably have things a lot more difficult than i do. while the students just have to worry about studying just enough to ace their tests; putting in just enough effort for their projects and assignments; being sufficiently well-behaved to get pleasant remarks on their report cards, teachers have a lot more to worry about. as you have mentioned in your post, you have admin duties to attend to, on top of tons of marking – and of course, planning lessons and taking care of your students. your post has made me appreciate my teachers a lot more. in fact, i think i will send out emails of appreciation to all my teachers on teachers’ day, including to those whom i dislike. everytime i feel unfortunate to have to meet so many deadlines within a short period of time, i will read your blog posts, and after that, i somehow become inspired to press on until the end.
please don’t worry too much about how your students and colleagues view you. from your post, i can see that you have been putting a lot of effort and i think that one day, your efforts will be rewarded. i can see froom your post that deep down inside, you are truly compassionate and that you are a very dedicated teacher. if i can see this through your words, i believe that most of your students can see this through your actions by now.
judging by some of your posts, you are still very young. please take good care of your health.
once again, thank you for your inspirational posts.
January 14, 2012 at 1:31 pm
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you are not,by any means,a mediocre teacher.