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You shall cross the barren desert,
but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety,
though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands,
and all will understand,
You shall see the face of God and live.
Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.
If you pass through raging waters
in the sea, you shall not drown.
If you walk amidst the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the pow’r of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you, through it all
Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.
Blessed are your poor,
for the Kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,
blessed, blessed are you!
Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.
—
thank you to fatty mcfattums for sending me this song. it really helped a lot. i only caught glimpses of the song during my first listen, mostly the “i go before you always” bits. but today after i googled the lyrics, the part i bolded really jumped out at me. and i feel a lot less lost and adrift.
though yesterday i seemed to come to a decision (though decision is way too active a verb for what really happened), and it hurts, it hurts. yet… i feel like it might be the answer after all, and what can i do, but to accept, to accept and roll with it. but still… it hurts. thinking of the people and the things and the kids… i feel like i cannot bear to leave them. not just yet.
who would have thought after i first came to tomioka, that leaving would be the hardest part of it all?
“your accent is very hard to place. i thought you sounded american,” says the Brit.
“american?” chortles the Canadian. “that’s not an american accent!”
—
and so it is. after the startling realisation that my accent is not local this christmas (look. i really didn’t know it was -that- weird!), little bits and pieces of cultural confusion have fallen into place and i find myself confused once again. i normally don’t wangst about cultural identity, mostly because i tend to fall back on the one identity i’m sure of that is independent of nationality, and i really have no issues with being singaporean. i’m singaporean. i’m cool with that. but being in japan, being called a cultural ambassador kind of brings up the cultural question again and again and again. i am singaporean to foreigners; but strange and not-quite-local to other singaporeans.
and i’m just– tired of being asked what my first language is. everyone in japan, foreigners and japanese alike assume that english is my second language. they attribute my ability to my 3 years in a british university. it was the same in york. everyone, from the porter in halifax, to the barman in a pub in the lake district, would always express surprise at my command of english. i’m asian, i’m from an asian country, but i speak english. i was educated in english all my life. i watch english television shows. our signs, posters, pamphlets are in english. is that difficult to grasp? even my tutor who thought well of my literature abilities never quite understood the fact that english was my first language. mr. s. constantly slips up and makes passing comments like, “but english is not your first language…” my students, after 3 months of me teaching them english, express surprise that i speak english in singapore.
to them, i am asian. my name is chinese. my parents are chinese (ethnically), they speak chinese. therefore chinese must be my first language. the people in the international exchange organisation in tomioka constantly pair me up with mainland chinese people, because they assume we are both chinese, we both speak chinese. it’s not like i can’t. it’s not even that i’m not fluent. it’s just that even when i speak to a mainland chinese person, that same infuriating statement pops up again. “oh! you speak chinese quite well.” why shouldn’t i? why is it not possible to speak more than one language, and take ownership over both? always, always, the line is drawn between the natural native speakers and me. i’m too foreign to speak chinese. i’m too foreign to speak english. well– what the hell am i supposed to speak? how the hell am i supposed to speak it?
if anything, there is the bitter, bitter realisation that my strange mish-mash of an accent, the result of speech lessons from the age of 4, chinese-educated parents, american television, 3 years of british university, is a perfect summation of my linguistic conundrum. i’m a chimera, a half-blood monstrosity; caliban howling at the moon, if you will — always appropriating a language, never owning one.
because there is a possibility that i might not recontract next year, and we’re approaching the end of a japanese school year (the JET contract actually has ALTs coming in in term 2 and leaving in term 1 of a new school year, which is rather awkward.) i feel like i should just try more exciting class activities because hey, what do i really have to lose lar. and it also helps to combat mid-term lethargy and depression.
so most of you will probably have received my emails about pen pal letter exchanges, and for those who have said yes– thank you thank you thank you! my JTE has re-confirmed interest (he confirmed interest waaaaay back in november, but our first target audience– MOELC– couldn’t commit.) so it’ll likely be going through. and somehow, incredibly, i have found pen pals for all 113 of my ichinensei O__O which is admirable feat. if you had asked me when i just started university, to say that i had more than 20 friends i could count on, i would be hard-pressed to name even 10. so thank you for all of your kindness :) the kids will write first, then i’ll scan and forward the letters to y’all.
—
my second grand scam scheme is doing a mini-postsecret project in school with my graduating sannensei. i feel like japanese people have so many things that they must hide, that they cannot reveal for fear of falling away from the majority, and that it would really help these teenagers if they could finally release something they’ve held deep inside, or if they could realise that other people felt the same as them.
so i ran the scheme past ms. s. who is my ninensei JTE, just to get her opinion on it first. the plan is to get the sannensei to write a secret (preferably relating to the future), like secret ambitions they’re too shy to admit, or hopes for changes they want to accomplish, or just wishes and desires for their upcoming high school lives (simple things, like “i don’t want to be alone any more”, or “i don’t want to be bullied”, “i want a fresh start where no one knows me”, “i want to get away” etc.) but if they had other more pressing secrets (er… puppy love?) they could feel free to write those too. they’d use simple english to express the secret (even more privacy, cos chances are– no one can comprehend their english statements! :D) and/or subtitle it with japanese if they wish. then they’d slip it into an envelope by the side of my desk anonymously, and in a judgement-free way, i’ll put them all up on a board as a display.
so ms. s. took an incredible amount of liking to the scheme (she even commented she might hijack it for her second years) but something she said startled me, and it was, “i think it’s ok if they write positive secrets, but i’m worried that maybe some will write dark secrets instead.”
the interesting thing about that was that 1) she was acknowledging that kids had dark secrets, but 2) she didn’t want them to be displayed. which kind of defeats the purpose of postsecret.
now i’m having second thoughts on whether the scheme will work. i want the kids to be honest, because i really want this to be cathartic for them. but i’m worried that if so-called ‘dark’ secrets surface, the teachers will try to meddle and ’solve’ the kids problems. that goes against the ‘judgement-free environment’ that is necessary for postsecrets to work. i’m also worried that if kids are devastatingly honest, but other kids ridicule and mock the secrets that are put up– it could be very devastating for them. kids are just– well, unreliable sometimes. they can be very cruel.
what do you guys think? or do you think the scheme can be modified? or slightly tweaked?
so it’s a saturday, and me and louis are sitting at home. i’m watching anime, and louis is working on his lit survey. and the doorbell rings. so i go to open it. saturday afternoons are strange times for drop-ins, too early for the postman, and well… i don’t have any drop-ins, to tell the truth. and i open the door. and mr. m. is standing there in a grey tracksuit.
wait. mr. m. is standing at my door?!??!?!?!!?!?!??!?!!
and so he is, together with mr. m. redux and gori, the big guy in the baseball team. we talk a bit, he makes many rude jokes, they notice louis’s men’s shoes and demand to meet him, and… they’re off.
half an hour later, the doorbell rings again. and hey! it’s dancho and keshiken! and they’re about to spout random nonsense, but keshiken leans on my neighbour’s doorbell and rings it. muttering japanese expletives, they run away screaming “sumimasen!”
and. another half hour later, lo and behold. half the (retired sannensei) baseball team stands at my landing out side my door. so whilst they’re standing there, mr. m. (un)subtly hints that he is hungry and he would like me to feed please. so i end up shuffling off all my excess snack supplies (accumulated from over-zealous pantry ladies in shogakkou) and as i turn to get more stuff, one of them, i can’t remember who it is, steps into my house and starts to look around. that naturally starts an avalanche of 15 year old boys (and 1 13-year-old, the ichinensei with the speech impediment) spilling into my house one-by-one (it is worthy to note though, that all of them instinctively removed their shoes at the entrance before stepping into my house.) they also open the door to the living room to gape at louis a bit, learning his name. keshiken even loudly proclaims to everyone, “I LOVE YOU LOUIS!” and attempts to teach louis an obscure japanese comedy routine. other ‘highlights’ of the visit include:
1) the boys stumbling upon my freshly laundered garments, including my underwear and mr m. going, “ahhhh. pink ne.”
2) mr. m. making various crude jokes about sex
3) mr. m. making crude jokes about my underwear.
4) all the boys including mr. m. looking toward the general direction of the living room where louis is and going “sorry man.” everytime a crude joke is made. (male camaraderie is nothing if not strong in this country. on the other hand, women like me are fair game for crude jokes. but one must apologise to the male partner.)
5) mr. m. commenting, “it’s like we’re all going to do it with ailin-sensei!” sparking off another round of “SORRY MAN!”
6) mr. m. redux telling me that pu-chi pu-chi, this pseudo bubble wrap game thing makes a random sound after you press it 100 times. apparently owning puchi puchi is a cool thing.
7) keshiken going into a mini-rampage proclaiming, “i don’t speak english. i speak JAPANESE!!!!!! D:” (to which joyce, hearing me recount this tale, interjected with, “he knows more english than my high school kids!”)
after which, it becomes clear that my japanese is not good enough to sustain a long conversation, so after about 40 minutes of milling around my freezing kitchen, they clear out. promising me that this is their secret place and only the 7 of them will ever know and are allowed to hang out in.
it’s just, one of those japan moments, you know?
私本当にとみんな日本語で喋ること欲しいですけど、日本語なかなかよくにならない。頭悪い…すごく大変な。
—
thank you for thinking i’m wonderful :) you’re my anchor.
