this has to be recorded somewhere

“i know the bondages of the female mind can torment you…”

- literally, my favourite canadian.  ;)

those ups and downs

i feel like lately i’ve been riding a bit of a spiritual roller-coaster. yesterday was one of those curious, hushed days where the air is bitterly, bitterly cold, but the sky is blue and the sun is shining and you feel it warm your bones. it’s one of those days where things happen or fall into place or work out inexplicably, unasked for, undeserved.

today on the other hand, was a lowlowlow. feel very vulnerable and open and clumsy– all my social endeavours become exercises in how to best to annoy someone in 1 minute.  the late-night working probably didn’t help either, and neither did the fact that this was a slow, sloooow ninensei day. it’s a day where all the worst things about being a foreigner in japan seem to happen– the cultural boo-boos, the lack of communication ability, the bullying by the kids and your inability to stand up for yourself, the feeling of being alone, alone, alone. but ultimately, i know i haven’t properly sat down and prayed and reflected in a long time. especially when these last few weeks of school term are extremely action-packed. le sigh.

i need to anchor myself back to the centre and find that wholeness again.

i walk the line

“Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect you don’t understand.”

- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

—

i think this quote encapsulates everything that i feel in an economical way i am incapable of.

i’ve heard of comments from people who assume and judge my feelings towards my brother’s death and my family’s subsequent embracing of Christianity– and this quote really, sums up everything i have wanted to tell them in return but have been too tongue-tied to. just because there can be truth and peace and joy in the midst of grief doesn’t negate it’s presence in the first-place– and don’t you, yes, you, dare to judge my grief.

—

and has it really been slightly over one month? one day, in a place where the street shines with the glory of the lord, we will meet again.