You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October, 2006.
(to quote pepper’s post, today should be included in parentheses. another day flashing by, another steep uphill climb for forgiveness and being kind and being loving.
i am very tired of this struggle. i want to be a good person, but sometimes i feel like it’s impossible to be one, i can’t feel clean; all over, there is this nasty feeling of suspicion and pettiness and dislike. i wish i could stay in an environment far, far away from the horrible tangle of human emotion, like staying in church forever– but i suppose that is no solution. after a while the people stuck with me there would bug me too, and me them. human beings are wretched, sordid creatures. all over, all over. horrible foul begriming stench.
maybe the person i want to outrun is myself. maybe the person i need to outrun is not you, but it is me. the monarchy is dead, long live democracy and whatnot. perhaps it is time anastacia slipped away into the night and assumed a life as a peasant.
york is fragmenting more day by day. i feel like the life i was happy to leave behind is catching up with me too fast. one day the dream will break [if it is not broken]. what meaning did anything that happened here have. nothing. nothing. we were all just tools for each other to plug gaps, but now, with diminishing marginal returns and whatnot [forgive the technicalities] utility is greatly lessened. the context is breaking. and everything else with it too.
[this entry, {parentheses within parentheses} has heavy ironic overtones, and would be difficult to decode without some sort of key.]
)
always, always this persistent, masochistic desire in me to drag myself through this horrible cesspit of human sentimentality called love. oh, what is it all but words. words, words, words, horribly abused, and because of them we are all hopelessly trapped in their awful petty connotations. what does it all matter, you and me? what does it matter anything which happens between us (or does not happen for that matter), why do i persist in this ingratiation.
people are so much easier to love when viewing from a distance. there are far too many cracks and creases in the close-up through which that horrible, horrible stench of humanity is.
(the irony, which is thoroughly latent in this entry, is fully intentional, and you should make no suggestion to the contrary.)
there are still remnants of the corrosive, bitter hate, and the occasional moments of spite, but the key difference is that now i’m actively trying to break out of it. not that it’s easy. it’s now a heady concoction of pride, resentment, feelings of betrayal, and hopelessness (it is a complex thing.) but i shouldn’t despair.
17I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19and his incomparably great power for us who believe.
(shout out to lin and en qi: thanks girls :)
i’ll turn back to praise! :)
today is a day of answered prayer, really. on top of the fantastic feeling of being back in elim, with the boppy songs (hahaha), and the friendly faces, graham’s blue eyes and (free) lunch, there was a such sense of release. during worship i closed my eyes and just let all the things from the past few days wash over me– and then i remembered what dewen and en qi told me before about really just telling all to God, the good and the bad, and i ended up whining in my head that i really couldn’t take it anymore, and asking, “am i to carry all this alone?”
and the next thing you know, sermon is about complaining to God (ehehehehe…) and for those who feel like they’re alone on the watchtower looking out to ask for prayer. while i didn’t stand up, (i’m afraid my [singaporean] fear of attracting attention is too ingrained. i must work on it) it was still a consolation all the same.
later in the day, i receive a little piece of news that might actually indicate a light at the end of the tunnel. it could be from an oncoming train, i don’t deny that, but oh well. slowly does it.
(slowly, slowly, i will let it all go.)
—
in regular, secular news, i’m still doing my essay.
and it’s 2:11am. Slightly more than 12 hours till the dead line.
moderate sense of doom. (:
this post has no relevance to its title.
:)
exam over loh! am happy. i feel better about this exam than i have other exams– though i feel i’ve produced 3 middling essays rather than my usual configuration of one home run, one moderately confused and one half-incomplete. so. can 3 middling essays produce a result more than 67 (my glass ceiling)?
tune in spring term, 2007.
also, this will have been the one time i use the word ‘masturbatory’ so many times in an academic essay.
wow.
p.s. and this part has relevance to people– i like cheecken. i also like people to cook for me. hmmmmmm. will these two clauses ever intersect?
—
on a more proper note, the new academic year has begun, and somehow i feel more and more that my new year’s is in october, not january. so what have we learnt now to put into application this term?
1) you will stop prostituting yourself to everyone. if people like you it’s for you
2) you will stop asking people over to dinner
3) you will give a damn
alas.
i chanced upon this list here and it’s titled How You Know You Grew Up in the 80s, but a lot of it is relevant to growing up in the 90s. and reading it, it felt so strange that all these little things come back to you, and you realise that, they really are long gone, and times have changed too much– my children will possibly never know this kind of life, and somehow, that makes me sad. (brackets are my inserts.)
1. You grew up watching He-man, Transformers, Silverhawk, Ultraman, Super Friends, Woody WoodPecker, Tom & Jerry, Care Bears, My Little Pony, Smurfs and Mickey Mouse. Not to forget, maybe Ninja turtles too.
(and mighty mouse! that deep booming theme song, “here i come to save the day…!”)
2. You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in primary school during recess time. You would squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a colored mug. The teachers said you must brush each side ten times. Not forgetting the silly red tablet which you know not the purpose for.
(i don’t remember the silly red tablet, but i know i uhh, thought school water was dirty, and resented this ritual.)
3. You know what SBC stands for.
(nods vehemently. then they changed it to tcs. you also remember when they made the first move to 24-hour programming, the next day they debut the x-men animated series at 10am and you were hopelessly hooked. you also remember a time when tcs’s slogan for channel 5 was “Home at 5″)
4. You know in school, you could subscribe to get the milk which would come before you go back home. Some days you would get chocolate milk, other days strawberry. The old Magnolia fresh milk came in a triangular packet.
(i think triangular packet was before our time. the milk packets had gaudy drawings done by other kids though)
5. You were there when the first Chinese serial, The Awakening was shown on TV.
(and 最后一个大侠! everyone could hum the theme song, and remembered that creepy transvestite villain with extendable purple nails)
6. Everyone in class would tremble in fear when someone with a gauze stuck in the mouth came to your class and called out a name to go visit the school dentist.
7. You find your friends with pagers and handphone cool in secondary school.
(Actually I find such friends nonexistent)
8. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats were made of wood and the cushion was red. The big red bell gave a loud BEEEP when pressed. There were colorful tickets for CSS buses. The conductor would check tickets using a machine that punched a hole in each ticket. All SBS buses used to be manually operated, with a gigantic gearstick to the left of the driver.
(i don’t remember red cushions, but i remember you could press the black strip that ran along the ceiling and the bell would buzz too. and transitlink cards. they seem so far away.)
9. Your favorite actor and actress were Huang Wenyong and Xiang Yun. Next were Li Nanxing and Zoe Tay and the Aiyoyo woman (Chen Liping).
10. You’ve probably read Young Generation magazine. You know who’s Vinny the Little Vampire and Constable Acai. For some, cikgu will always ask to buy the “Dewan Bahasa” magazine.
11. You were there when they first introduced MRT here (Yio Chu Kang to Toa Payoh). You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.
(don’t remember the first train, but kneeling on the seat– totally.)
12. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50. Tickets were scrawled across using big red pencils. Ushers brought you into the cinemas using big metallic torchlights.
13. Gals were fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls. You also collected sticker books of Street Fighter, The Semi-Pro Soccer League (for boys) and care bears (for girls) by Panini, trying to complete the impossible task of filling up each sticker book.
(and everyone brought toys to school when exams were over.)
14. You remember some taxis were green in color. Taxis had gearsticks behind the steering wheel, with a transparent knob and little colorful flowers inside the knobs.
(flowers?!)
15. You longed to buy tidbits called Kaka (20 cents per pack), and Ding Dang (50 cents per box), that had a toy in it and it changes every week. Not forgetting the 15-cent animal crackers and the ringpop, where the lollipop is the diamond on the ring.
(and pola snack! where the dolphin was the rare one. then they produced the upright dolphins more often, so the only rare one worth having was the horizontal dolphin)
16. You watched TV2 (also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.
17. All that you know about Cantonese is from the Hong Kong serials you watched on TV2. You probably would remember George Lam as the moustached man whose line was “Are you OK?” in the Guiness Stout Advertisement.
18. You grew up reading ladybird books. Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven were probably the thickest story books you ever thought you had. Even Sweet Valley High and Malory Towers. You also love Enid Blyton’s Enchanted Wood, Magic Faraway tree…
19. The only food you bought from McDonalds was the fish fillet burger and French fries as it wasn’t halal back then and your parents didn’t allow you to buy other stuff.
20. KFC used to be a high class place that let you use metal forks and knives.
(this i heard from my parents. my mom banned me from fast food though.)
21. The most vulgar thing you said was “asshole” and “idiot”… you just couldn’t bring yourself to say the Hokkien relative.
(and people knew that sly phrase “friendly, understanding, caring, and kind”)
22. Catching was the “in” thing (a.k.a. Police and Thief) and twist or “choap” was the magic word. For those who always frequented the void decks, there was the “rumah dayak”, Octopus and “Goli Duit”.
(Five stones, zero point, coca-cola-one-two-three!)
23. Your English workbook was made of some poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow. And the textbooks were striped in different colors for different levels.
(they changed to PETS when it came to us, but i liked my brother’ s striped textbooks.)
24. Some part of your school was ALWAYS haunted, like the toilet or clock tower or a certain block. You walk fast to avoid them.
(always the toilet!)
25. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixel characters in 16 colors walking about trying to teach you math. You printed with noisy dot matrix printers and used computer paper with two rows of holes at the sides. Mouse? What’s that?
26. Waterbottles, with your favorite cartoon character on it, were slung around your neck and a must everywhere you go.
27. Boys loved to play soccer with small tennis balls in the basketball court.
28. Hopscotch, five stones, chapteh and zero point were all the rage with the girls and boys too… Remember 5 times, highest, one-inch…
28. Science was fun with the balsam and the angsana being the most important plants of our lives. Remember the “Young Scientist” badge you got when you completed the set of tasks in written on the blue booklet for “Young Ecologist”, “Young Botanist”, etc? The first excursion to the Science Centre was the best day of your life.
29. Who could forget Ahmad, Bala, Gopal, Sumei, Peihua and John, eternalised in the textbooks. Even Mr. Wolly, Mr. Yakki.
(i remember cartoon animals, alas.)
31. You did stupid exercises like seal crawl and frog jumps.
(nope, but we had to do that creepy balancing beam thing)
32. Every Children’s Day and National Day you either get pencils or pens printed with “Happy Children’s Day 1983″ or dumb files printed with “Happy National Day 1984″.
(and mugs!)
33. In Primary Six you had to play buddy for the younger kids like big sister and brother.
34. There was an ACES day where you would get this stupid hat and do the Great Singapore Workout.
35. The Scouts used to wear shorts, and the NCC uniform was a plain green color without camouflage.
36. The worksheets were made of rough brown paper of poor quality. During art and craft classes, you had to make your own art folio using a vanguard sheet.
37. You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the school to sit and wipe yourself dry. Then you wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.
(somehow, this point really got to me. i totally remember doing that.)
38. During National Day, you would have to do and decorate your own shakers, usually using a cassette tape container, or an empty aluminium can with green beans inside all taped up and decorated with white and red paper. Who can forget the all-time favorite recorder you played during music lessons?
39. After exams, you brought Game & Watch to school, and played card games like “Snap”, “Donkey” and “Old Maid”. You also played pick-up sticks and Snakes & Ladders and the aeroplane board game. Those erasers with the flags were also a popular game. Either that or you would play those cards comparing aeroplanes, warships, or tanks – who had more firepower or speed or weight, etc.
40. You remember your uncles, big brothers and father screaming and shouting in front of the TV when the Singapore soccer team (always in blue jerseys) played against the Malaysians.
41. Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $3 or more for pocket money everyday.
(who. on. earth. got. $3. a. day. didn’t we all get 50 cents?)
42. During class gatherings, parents always tag along in case someone gets lost at Orchard Road.
(the bad kids hung out at centrepoint.)
43. You freak out when the teacher tells you to line up according to height and hold hands with the corresponding boy or girl.
44. Handkerchieves were a must for both genders
45. Collecting notebooks, erasers and all kinds of stationery was a popular thing. The bookshop was a favorite place to go to get all those stuff during recess.
46. Autograph books were loaded with “Best Wishes”, “Forget Me Not”, and little poems like “Birds fly high, hard to catch. Friends like you, hard to forget”.
47. Class monitors and prefects loved to say “You talk somemore, I write your name ah!”
48. You remember songs sung by a huge group of people, like 4U2C, Feminin, Nico (Malay) and the English “We Are The World”. In secondary school, you listened to Bananarama, Jason Donavan, Kylie Minogue, New Kids on the Block, ABBA, and Tommy Page
(… not really. i grew up listening to oldies with my parents. the carpenters were a staple.)
49. Large, colorful schoolbags were carried. And fanciful pencil cases with lots of small tiny drawers, trays, sharpener or thermometer that pop out at the push of a button were the “in” thing.
50. You brought every single book to school, even though there was one thing called the timetable, written on the inside cover of your little blue notebook.
(especially on the first day of school. everyone had massive bags because they didn’t know which lesson would be on. lockers were a fantastic invention.)
-sniffle- those were such happy times, but that’s so long ago, how i wondered where they’d gone.
