You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August, 2006.
today it struck me how much the airport has changed in its significance to me. it used to be a freakishly clean place to go to when flying off on family holidays (i was probably too young to fully appreciate flying, but the cleanliness aspect of the airport always stuck with me.)
but nowadays, it has come to mean goodbyes, goodbyes and more goodbyes. just a while ago it was a little handful of people sending me off to london, then it was me feeling lost in a seafull of young ‘uns sending raining, and then now it is cuifen, it is pak, and then once more, it will be me. always this horrible foreboding of goodbye; it makes me nauseous, i often feel like throwing up, and this awful feeling i carry with me all day long.
i look at the children in the airport with their parents looking fresh and shiny-eyed and eager to go into the departure hall (freakishly clean– i used to want to roll around on the carpet. that’s how clean i processed it as being in my young mind.) and i want that back. i want that feeling back where the airport was a gateway to a good time, not just goodbye after goodbye after goodbye.
i need to get motivated. i really, really need to get motivated.
the next time i’m online, my dear friends, tell me to get my ass moving.
there’s the feeling of your stomach tightening, then doing a queasy lurch, and then your hands go weak and the silent alarm in your mind goes off– and you can’t find the switch to turn it off.
oh God, please give me motivation again >___<
sometimes i think, for better or for worse, council taught me more things about the world than anything else. and for better or worse, many values i hold now are a product of that experience.
scary, sad, yet true. and really, if i had to choose, i don’t think i’d want it any other way.
I met my cousin today for lunch and waffles, and over (half-priced) waffles we were rambling on about the past.
“I remember going to Disneyland together.”
“Oh yeah! I remember that too! I remember your brother was there. He burst my balloon. And I was really mad. I remember choking him”
-dies laughing-
So this is what remembrance of an absence culminates in. a little fantasy, a little hearsay, a little conscious summoning to exorcise. i can see it in my head though, and slowly the imagined becomes real enough to me to take the place of an actual memory. how strange to know for sure that once upon a time, this absence was solid, was grasped, was bruised, and that it wasn’t a figment of my imagination after all—someone had touched it too.
—
emotionally taxing day. it is tiring and heartwrenching watching grown-ups break down. it is angering hearing about people who are let down, who cannot forgive but who want to, want to so badly. it is horrific when you hear of all the people who fall through the cracks and cannot find their way back again, because they are stuck, stuck; they’ve wove his fantasies and fears so thoroughly they’re ours now, and there’s no way left or right to go, just up, up, UP!
but sometimes there is a glass ceiling i cannot crack because my skin is the wrong shade, i do not have the right tongue, and i am afraid, my friends, i am not gifted.
(will you walk away from me for a sports car?)
</dreamlogic>
or am i? i must admit, i have a soft spot for panic! at the disco’s i write sins not tragedies. it’s a cool title, with rather delightfully strange lyrics. (it helps, daniel isaac– the guy who plays the groom in the video is teh hot in a strange way). i have no clue how the lyrics for the rest of their songs go though– if they’re all this strange i might consider getting their album.
I Write Sins Not Tragedies
Oh, well imagine; as I’m pacing the pews in a church corridor,
and I can’t help but to hear, no I can’t help but to hear an exchanging of words.
“What a beautiful wedding!, What a beautiful wedding!” says a bridesmaid to the waiter.
“Ah yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom’s bride is a whore.”
I’d chime in with a “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!”
No, it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I’d chime in “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!”
No, it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of hope.
Well in fact, well I’ll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved
Well this calls for, a toast so, pour the champagne
Oh! Well in fact, well I’ll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne, pour the champagne.
I’d chime in with a “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!”
No, it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I’d chime in “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!”
No, it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
Again..
I’d chime in “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!” No.
It’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I’d chime in “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!”
No, it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
Again..
sometimes it feels like i am cutting the threads slowly one, by one, by one, and burning the ends to seal the frays.
rawr.because my blog has been hit by spambots lately, i change comment options to registered users only >__<
the insertion of one ridiculously good-looking relative into one’s life can be difficult to deal with. one gets the distinct feeling that the gene pool decided to simply play oneself out.
sigh.
—
which makes today’s dinner all the more remarkable. and all the more well-timed. i couldn’t have had a better person to talk to, and for better encouragement to be had, and for it to sink in that i am blessed, (no matter how the gene pool treats me, hahaha), and i am loved, and i know great things are in store for me. so i need to take faith in all of that, stop this backslide and get things right in my life again.
your love makes me sing. :)
is it worth it– to do 4 weeks of french to finish modules 4 and 5 (stopping short of the 6th, and therefore failing to pass Alliance’s elementary course), then moving back to york and maybe doing french II+? III? sigh. and jumping into 4 and 5 means self-teaching myself le passé composé (well, not so much self-teaching as revising rusty MOELC information) sigh.
rawr D:
and this means giving up japanese– because there is no chance that i will be able to do 2 languages at once. and this means (on a greater scheme) giving up one possible future for another.
alas.
