fury

ETA: it is 2:11 am here. and i am an insomniac. i need sleep, by my mind is so awake and alert and aware of everything, it’s ridiculous. i don’t know why but there is a strong feeling that i should be crying right now, but the tears aren’t coming. i feel shrivelled and dried up inside, and i feel as though i am being carried to a divergence in the road that i don’t want to take, i don’t want it, and perhaps that is what is driving me mad slowly, slowly.

[to all my friends, please don't be alarmed. i suspect this might be one of my bipolar bouts which normally pass, and i'll be ok. i'll be ok.]

—

i can feel it now, and i am reminded of why perhaps i enjoy wallowing in this emotion so much. it’s this adrenaline, this fuel that courses through your body, and it gives you this immense sense of empowerment– the feeling that you can annihilate anything and everything in your path.

never am i this jolly, this funny, this full of presence. rage and spite, that’s what it is. nothing but rage and spite. but oh, what a rush.

i maybe beguiling, thoughtful, and kind my dears. but it is black black fury all the same.

—

that was typed yesterday, but not posted.

today the adrenaline is fading, the fatigue is settling in and already i feel the bile rising, rising, and a strong feeling of being sick in my seminar today.

i seem to be vascillating non-stop nowadays. i love company. no, i hate it. i like cooking for people. no, i’m tired, tired. i like to be hospitable. get out of my house, all of you.

it must be the packing. when the packing is over, perhaps i’ll be better.

of course, it must be the packing. it’ll be ok on the train. it’ll be ok at the airport. you will stop struggling against something bigger than you. submit it all, child. let the anger go before it eats you from inside.

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hush now, love

on thursday night i'll be leaving york to go to manchester, spend a night in a haze, and then board a flight to bring me back to singapore. it's strange, but last year there was a thrill, a rush, that came from closing your eyes and imagining the train speeding past the english countryside (england, my england), past the sheep, the nuclear power plant, the sky that remained stubbornly blue-purple-orange.

last summer, a girl called pepper popped into my room in james, when i was talking to fauziah online, and my mother on the phone.

this year, this girl is flying back on the same flight with me. (strange how time flies. and i still remember everything that went on that day when you popped by, pep. even though 365 days have passed.)

last summer i told myself i would try more things.

this year, i did. and i don't want to leave the things behind. it's a comfortable routine, alpha and graham and leon (such a lovely english man!) on wednesdays, yccf on fridays, church on sundays… i love these people, i love amanda, shiao en, rokey, matthew, huang huang, huang xiao, the usual elim gang– i love them to bits. and just as i feel i'm finally reaching a deeper level of connection with them, we part. and all the other things in york, shakespeare in parks, musicals, films, late-night mafia and random dinner conversations, memories of naples, football with english fans, beef curry with my favouritest vanilla balls in the world–

yet in singapore, there is pak and sharon. there is my family, my home, my bed. there is good weather, good food, good prices. there is w00bierific otaku outings, there [was] queueing for everything, there is pub nights, there is kino… there are memories.

i don't really know what are the good old days anymore. i keep vascillating between wanting the moment to never end, and wanting to run, run, run back to singapore. to the friends i haven't seen or talked to in an eon (because i sux0r at correspondence), and to know that some things don't change.
—

there was a really good sermon today in church about 1 corinthians 13. which is -the- chapter for love. and what graham said struck me especially– essentially love is not an emotion. love is a decision, and emotions are a symptom of that decision. in other words, if we feel the emotion, it's probably a sign we've subconsciously made up that decision to love someone. and just because we don't feel an emotion with someone, doesn't mean we can't love them. it just means we haven't decided to yet. (and by love, here, i don't mean romantic love. i mean love love.)

—

on the topic of love, i watched adaptation recently with en qi and rokey, and there was this beautiful part in the dialogue that went

KAUFMAN
There was this time in high school. I
was watching you out the library window.
You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
DONALD
Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
KAUFMAN
I know. And you were flirting with her.
And she was really sweet to you.
DONALD
I remember that.
KAUFMAN
Then when you walked away, she started
making fun of you with Kim Canetti. It
was like they were laughing at me. You
didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.
DONALD
I knew. I heard them.
KAUFMAN
How come you looked so happy?
DONALD
I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine,
that love. I owned it. Even Sarah
didn't have the right to take it away. I
can love whoever I want.
KAUFMAN
She thought you were pathetic.
DONALD
That was her business, not mine. You are
what you love, not what loves you.
That's what I decided a long time ago.

i suppose this is ultimately the message i need. to let go, let go, let go.

—

and yet still on the topic of love, two nights ago i walked back with en qi from kathleen's (this nice english lady who lets us use her house for fellowship and stuff) after a rather bizarre night of randomness (thanks to amanda and en qi), cultris (uhhhhhh…), and tango watching (amanda again :P) and it was nearly 3am as we worked out our little tantrums and frustrations with work. and somehow the topic of socialising popped up, and we swapped stories of how terrifying it is to talk to people and make friends. and it's just not easy for anybody :x it's downright terrifying, and tiring and draining. and you're always forced to open up and reveal that red, raw little heart of yours, only to have people snub it.

and perhaps it really is a big act of love, to force down your own guards and engage people and try to connect, and be kind and interested and loving to a fellow human being. to socialise for other people, rather than for yourself.

of course, it's hard to accomplish this, when meeting new people reduce you to a burbling mess.

sigh.

90-minute slacking

and the czechies reach the end of their world cup journey. -weep- am reminded forcefully of what rachel said when she stopped by york– that she didn't want to root for a team too early because when they lose it's just unnecessary heartbreak (paraphrasing loosely)– and arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. (thanks pak for the consolatory sms :P) 

poor pavel! this is the last time he'll ever have a chance to win a major title with the czech national team. but the odds were always stacked against their favour anyhoo. boo.

on the upside, this silly fella played for 64 minutes (or somewhere along those lines), so i suppose watching the match had some ups. and haha, he is less shiny when he's not being the golden boy he was in 2004. still cute though.

:x

—

still on the world cup, watching england matches in… england… is quite the experience. crouchy is quite, quite the freak. 

en route

sometimes when we're trying to get somewhere, we just think too much about it. we plan everything to its last detail, make a trillion contingency plans, pre-empt a bazillion possible disasters–

only to realise, that if perhaps we'd stayed put and took the bus, and submitted it all, you would have reached your destination all the same.

and with less hassle too.

—

so the good news– i think i know what i'm going to do in summer. (something quite concrete and kind of confirmed, but keeping fingers crossed.)

the bad– i feel mucho bad towards this lovely junior of mine who very earnestly helped me wrangle an internship offer. :( arrrrrrgh. it's just one of those cases where nothing comes in at all, then when one offer comes, others come too– and you have to reject one for the other. it doesn't mean you didn't want it. if time could slow down and be stretched, if i hadn't commited myself to some things, if the offer simply came much earlier, if i hadn't had an essay and an exam to worry about– i would do all the things, simultaneously. and then some. time's a bitch. and she's passes you by real fast. too fast.

of course this doesn't make the guilt go away. you still feel bad. it's a problem of face, and you feel like you might have let someone down terribly in that aspect. no amount of apologising will solve that.

now i can only pray that all this won't come back to bite me in the ass. (vraiment, vraiment, desolee!)

—

and shaowen– i owe you a treat. :x

x-citing stuff

You scored as Emma Frost. Emma Frost is a former enemy of the X-Men but has joined them. She finds certain rules about not reading minds without permission to confining, and she still retains a bit of a bad-girl side. Some x-men are not certain of her alligence, and for good reason. Powers: Telepathy, Can turn her skin into Diamond, Psychic persuasion

Emma Frost		70%
Wolverine		60%
Rogue		60%
Nightcrawler		55%
Gambit		55%
Colossus		55%
Cyclops		55%
Iceman		40%
Storm		40%
Beast		30%
Jean Grey		30%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

dix

[ETA: reshuffling, rephrasing, editing. and some numbers have switched people, oh my!] 

I rarely do memes. mostly because i normally don't find them terribly interesting, but this one was quite intriguing. only i suppose some things need to be said, and this only helps my own cowardice, but to the 10 (not necessarily a definitive list of who matters to me) i hope you see yourself in here, and i'm sorry i never could say these things to your faces (even if sometimes it seemed they were the things you needed to hear.)

(from jm and cui)

Take an opportunity to say ten things about ten people. Be honest, say things you've always wanted to say, with total anonymity. Remember, don't tell anyone who it's about!

1. there are too many things that i want to tell you about, and that i want to say to you. but the words always get in the way. sometimes i think we are irreparable, sometimes i think things have never changed. we've been playing this ping pong game of hurting each other for quite a while now, and if we just had a good talk and were just honest with each other perhaps everything would change for the better– though when we boil down to it, i don't know what to say. i wish things were back to normal– but i don't think they'll ever be again.

2. it hurts me a lot, actually, when you put the effort to be friendly with everyone except me. perhaps i stopped trying– but you never tried in the first place.

3. i am incredibly jealous of you sometimes, though you never notice. sometimes i wish i was you, but we are all made differently, and i will never be effortlessly lovely the way you are.

4. i really wish you knew how lovable you truly are. we've had our share of ups and downs– but all throughout, you have always, always been the faithful friend and i really hope i haven't let you down [too] often. :x to be honest there have been times i felt like letting go of it all, but i'm really happy you didn't. because it made me hold on too– i love you, kiddo. i wish things could be easier for you.

5. i wish you could learn to live outside of the box that you've built for yourself, and know that you -can- be so, so much more. you don't have to live by the limits that you've imposed upon yourself. we are not the sum total of all our flaws and failures.

6. i'm sorry if you feel neglected sometimes, and that i only talk to you when i'm stressing. truth is, i really don't talk to people often, so i'm not snubbing anyone by any means. i hope you find your happiness and your hope in this world– because i would definitely miss you if you go. i love you. i am sorry i have not been a better friend.

7. i wish you would tell me what you were feeling– so i wouldn't have to guess so much.

8. i feel like i've let you down so, so much. there is possibly never anything that i could possibly do to make it up to you. but if the rumours are true, then i'm really, really happy for you. because we'll always be friends. few people have ever connected with me on such levels, and i'm really glad you're in my life.

9. sometimes i feel that if we really got to know each other better– we'd be the bestest of friends. but i'm too afraid to try, because perhaps i fear uncovering the fact that i am a charlatan always, and i'll never be one of you.

10. i wish you knew that there was always a home waiting for you, and that no matter how painfully normal you fear yourself to be, you are still lovable in your screwy, albeit mundane, way. i hope you find a path that is uniquely yours to tread. onwards and upwards!

cutting off the nose

to spite the face.

(i'm sorry.) 

bloom

what a difference a day makes indeed. :P

am having a strange sense of peace and reassurance after service today. even though there were a lot of small hiccups along the way, things that would normally have ruined the day for me, but today, today! i let them go.  

because now i know, i know, that even though i don't know what lies ahead, what is beyond the bend– i have a strange sense of reassurance that when i get past it, it will be shiny happy rolling fields of green and sunflowers galore. and while it feels very much like lately i have been treading down the same road that i trod on all the way back when i was 12, i know that it will be different this time. i don't need to be what i was anymore, i don't need to collect the hurt in a bottle and count and recount the battles of which i won and which i lost. 

i cast it out to sea, i cast it out to sea. because this time, i know that help is here. 

the violets are drooping

“it’s no good! It’s no good trying to get rid of your own alonenes. You’ve got to stick to it–all your life. Only at times, at times, the gap will be filled in. At times! But you have to wait for the times. Accept your own aloneness and stick to it, all your life. And then accept the times when the gap is filled in, when they come. But they’ve got to come. You can’t force them.”

– Lady Chatterley’s Lover, D.H. Lawrence