tupperware in my heart

while i think it is grossly unnatural, and pathetic, to be utterly devastated over the loss of tupperware–

i want my tupperware back. i mean– tupperware is special to me. really.

-cries-

plans plans

things i must really would like to do before i graduate:

1) join dancesport and learn jive

2) do a trade justice / make poverty history campaign

3) see scotland

4) travel with cui

5) go to more concerts

6) see wicked

7) see spam-a-lot

8) see billy eliot

hrm.  

once again

there is the same old lie old lie. and the same old tantrums, the same little failings, the same feelings of inadequacy.

"he wanted so much to get out of this lit-up cloy of humanity, and the exhaust of love, and the fretfulness of desire. why not swing away into cold separation? why should desire always be fretting, fretting like a tugged chain? why not break the bond and be single, take a fierce stoop and a swing back, as when a gannet plunges like a white, metallic arrow into the sea, raising a burst of spray, disappearing, completing the downward curve of the parabola in the invisible underwater where it seizes the object of desire, then away, away with success upwards, back flashing into the air and white space? why not? why want to urge, urge, urge oneself down the causeways of desirous love, hard pavements of love? … why shouldn't meeting be a stoop as a gannet stoops into the sea, or a hawk or a kite, in a swift rapacious parabola downwards, to touch at the lowermost turn of the curve, then up again?"

– p.154, Kangaroo, d.h. lawrence

i really should be working

so after the end of the world that was meant to happen but didn’t in the end for reasons too long to elaborate upon now, crowley and aziraphale found themselves bored and inexplicably asian. well now, said aziraphale, looking bemused. i suppose we shall just have to find something to fill our time now. just as well, i suppose, said crowley. that i stol– long-term borrowed this apple powerbook.

so crowley and aziraphale sat down on the checked bedspread of inferior quality and set the powerbook in the middle. and they spent many a happy hour watching csi on it.

the end.

(Guest-starring: louis and yiwen)

internships (or lack thereof)

hrm. so…sa*tchi outright said they weren't hiring interns (which in a way– thank you adriana chua, for not leaving me hanging), og*lvy has ignored me for at least 2 weeks, so that's probably a no. i put in fo*te cone and b*lding's old address by mistake revealing my lack of knowledge for their company– so that should rule f*b out too, and B*DO's letter was kind of uhhh, not personalised. >__< so that means, ad agencies: 4, ailin: 0.

alas. the catch-22 of job application.

now, J*T, leo b*rnett, mcc*nn eric*son, kinetic, and R*W left. 

perhaps some doors aren't meant to be opened. :( 

–

in other news, mediacorp has ignored me too. media: 1, ailin: 0 

so has the esplanade, and the nac.

rawr D: 

eternity

so yesterday was yccf (york chinese christian fellowship) and bible study with en qi, and it's been a strange uplifting weekend. had good long talks at yccf with pep (more of before though), and kathleen and xi ren and shiao en. and talking to shiao en has been… at the risk of sounding utterly cheesy– inspirational. my story came out again, i don't think it is possible to trace my foray into Christianity without starting from the beginning… and not that talking about it never helped, it always has (and thanks to all who've had to bear with it), but talking to someone who understands, who understands and knows the anger and the disillusionment and the sadness, the horrific living reminders, and the pain that never never goes away– someone who possibly knows it even better, amplified to magnitudes even i wouldn't know– it has helped so, so much. and it was always a horrible cliche to me, all that about carrying your pain but living in joy– how to, how to? how to let go of it all, it is always there, irrevocable. someone was there, but now they are gone. how can it be fair, why do the wicked prosper? but to hear from someone who has struggled, and yet has made it all the same– it has become a reality. to know that after the tears at night, when the morning comes there is joy, there always is, and there always will be–

to be utterly, utterly free.

i let it go. slowly. slowly.

Protected: a rant on the n-word

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Protected: singapore, my singapore

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[insert intelligent title]

now more than ever you wonder how it would feel like to walk the town in april in sprummer, with freak snow, and quiet and solitude, and daffodils bought by you, for you. 

today, once again, as pepper in her simple (in a good way, kiddo) and uncanny way of putting things in their most direct, honest form reminded me, "there's a whole world out there."

i let it go.

jason’s birthday

today was jason's birthday, and we had a nice big celebration for him (he's 23 already, bless the old man.)

then vs. now

and it was the taking of the exact same photo that we did the year before that really… i don't know. brought back the nostalgia? it was just one year back, and the memories haven't even started to bleed sepia. but there is a pang. it's like what craig thompson said in blankets. tradition and ritual are mnemonic devices… they make us remember what we have forgotten, and we know we have forgotten much. the perfect moment where everything seemed right and peaceful and happy (?) that existed only for the moment the camera clicked.

strange strange strangeness, that the introduction of new people would have shifted things so much. there is much about my past that slowly comes back to haunt me, but slowly, i let it go.

i let it go.