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i do not presume to know or to understand and perhaps it is too self-centred to bring it back bring it back to me but there is definite pain and heartbreak and an awareness an imagined image of how it was it is like….. that feeling that you had to grow up and be an adult and hold the house together and be smart it is your block tests study hard don’t let it show and hardworking and loyal and filial and be strong be strong for them, hug your parents when they come back with the coffin in cargo and don’t cry don’t let them see you cry you cannot cannot cry. there is a hurt and pain and confusion and anger anger, why is this happening to me it shouldn’t be me, not me, it can’t be me, why why me. and i want to tell you but how will you react how will you understand how can you help? no one can understand, no one can know the pressure, the sadness, the grief. how can you tell people the feeling that you feel when you watch your father cry in front of you over and over and over again. that anger that he can’t be weak, he has no business being weak, you want to lie down and cry and say i know i know i do not know what to do either i miss him i loved him too but you cannot cannot be weak, not when your father is crying because that is weak, weak, you are not cannot be like that, you will bite your lip and stare out of the car window and say and say nothing everything in the silence that oppresive silence that demands an answer, “did you love him tell me tell me” of course, of course i did, what do you want me to say but i cannot cry and therefore i cannot speak, and maybe i fear if i do it is all lies anyway, this is my answer in the silence and unhappiness and who do i turn to who do i tell there are things too too dark even for a cryptic blog post.
once again i have squandered my morning with sleep, and the readings are piling up and they have to be finished soon, and this has been a week that has unfolded, folded, unfolding, and things have Changed. last night i felt so taffy-stuck and tongue-tied, and colour, colour, colourblind.
but after attempting to drown myself in the shower for half an hour, and en qi praying for me, i finally had a good, dream-less, rest. and upon waking, seeing 2 emails gently (and quietly) slipped my way, and the prevailing message on so many blogs– that all is to be accomplished in His time; since He shall provide all my needs, i shall never be in want; and i should trust, trust in Him. i feel… better? there is still temptation, there is still want, but i know i doshould not need, and that alone makes me feel stronger already.
it is late, and i am tired, and i have only just got home, my brain is shutting down and i am drifting off.
why am i playing a game i do not understand? i thought i did and i thought i knew who had cards, but perhaps we all do, and perhaps we are all bluffing, and i know in the end it shouldn’t matter, and it will not matter, but sometimes the ‘getting there’ is just too, too painful.
it is not endgame yet, and the polar bear still kills at night.
… but a friend to the faithful.
this may seem weird, but after taking time off from the social activities, and isolating myself in my room, i feel more at peace than i ever have in recent days. maybe en qi is right when she says time alone = more time with God, but i genuinely feel (perhaps i am delusional, perhaps it is a placebo) that God has for once, given me a reply.
of the two things i was praying about, the first got me this verse,
“Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again… Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.” — Ecclesiastes 11:1-6
and when i first read it, there was this horrible jolt, because i remembered en qi’s context when she received this verse, and i just felt really sad, as much as we say “Your will be done” how often do we really mean it? but reading on, i suppose i can’t do anything about it. deep down inside i want to struggle and i want to say, no, i can do this, i can give a go; but another part of me thinks that it is true, that i should wait. there is time here, in york, and there is time to know you. by taking time, and sowing the seeds, at the very least i will reap a friendship, if nothing more. and at least this verse is not absolute in its “no”. like what cui told me about the end of A Passage to India, at the very least it’s a not yet, not here, rather than no. No.
as for the second thing i was praying for, i reaped a whole galumph (forgive my ailinisms) of verses regarding it in Proverbs… most of which seem to be pushing me toward the conclusion en qi was hinting to me. i’m taking this with a pinch of salt though, but i’ll think about it. sigh. the circumstances all seem to point to me as the ideal person to undertake this (haha, how cryptic can this entry get?) but i’m just wary. besides, my nifty student bible has ‘links’ to all sorts of verses about words, the power of them, and how to use them properly, so i’ll prolly peruse them more before pursuing any course of action. in short:
“A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.” Proverbs 16:23
and as a random sidenote (and this list is not exhaustive in any way, please don’t feel left out or snubbed, it’s really not personal), to cui, en qi, pak, kelvin, sharon, pooh, and even, yes, louis (though i don’t know you very well yet), “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24. -hugs- all around. i feel blessed, and i feel loved.
too many books on my shelf, why won’t you help me mend it? the books are killing each other and screaming for my attention but i don’t know i don’t know stop asking me the cracks are revealing themselves, read, read to me please.
it’s been a bizarre sequence of days, and i don’t think i’ve ever been so busy (or behind my work)… inspark notes form:
