You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2005.
i have come to realise that i have major, major anger management issues. there’s just so much mad, blind, furious thoughts in my head about smashing faces smash smash smash with the spanners, and knives and slicing and cutting and disembowelment and killing killing killing all of you via means of indescribable violence and hopefully inflicting the maximum amount of pain on all of you. i feel like i need to rip and tear all of you top shreds and bits and that a truck would come and crush crush crush all of you. i wish that everything in your life will be a failure, you will be disfigured for life, you will fail everything you put your heart and soul into, and i hope you will drop dead on your wedding day.
i am just so ANGRY with people now. and this is coming out onto innocent bystanders, like my parents and my temper is flaring more often than ever… and i know i’m supposed to forgive to be kind to love the unlovable, but when you’ve been hurt and judged and maliciously set up by so many people… there’s just so much hurt and pain and irritation, and you want to cry but you can’t cry and you want to shout and scream and destroy things and obliterate everything in your path but you can’t you can’t you’re too powerless you’re impotent you’re just small and helpless and open and vulnerable…
i know i ought to be patient and i ought to know that no one can judge me and their judgments don’t matter because it’s not righteous, but it hurts so much all the same. and i don’t know what to do and where to go and who can make it right but i just feel so sad and so empty and so damned small and i think i’m going mad i’m going to pieces and the tears are coming now and i just can’t get this thing out of me that is angry and dark and wants to kill people and rip things to shreds.
…and i am sick and tired and i don’t want to talk to anyone anymore, go go go away. i feel like having an enormous fit and just screaming and ripping things to bits and killing everyone i meet.
things are getting horribly real in singapore. this is my life. this, studying and writing essays and trying to find jobs, and being socially inept. this is my room, this are my parents, and this is my brother. dead dead dead. his photos, his stationery, his cds, his room all haunting me haunting me.
and i figured what is going to be the story of my life… i shall never be normal enough for science, but i will never be abnormal enough for arts; never anglicised enough for the englishy people, and never chinese enough for the chinesey; my english will be better than average, but it shall never ever reach being spectacular. there is a way of life, that i desperately aspire to achieve, but i can never be part of that (i shall never fit in). i will be average, average height, looks, abilities, and nothing, nothing will ever be special. this is me, all bumbling, social ineptitude, saying weird things and being another brownian particle blindly bumping bumping casually, fleeting and hollow.
it’s just like being ban4 tong3 shui3… that chinese term for people who know a bit of both chinese and english but aren’t good at either? i’m a bucket half full of water, and i’m desperately, desperately trying to fill up the bucket, but they’re holes at the bottom and no matter how much water i keep dumping into the bucket it will always be half-full.
—
ETA: i started out this entry being truly upset, and really on the verge of just breaking down because there were just all these little things again weighing me, pulling me down. but thanks to: Char, Cui, Jason, Lin Hai, and Yuankai and their assorted msn messages, it’s made me feel a lot better. and you, thank you for not picking a fight with me for once, when i know i really can’t handle it anymore. thank you for understanding, and trying to accommodate me this time.
well, yeah. neil gaiman is the sweetest man alive. and everyone’s said everything that needs to be said about it, from christie to ling so yeah. :)
went to cosfest on sunday, and for the first time, i felt the vague impetus to start cosplaying again, after 2 years. :P it might be the company though, cos sharon’s started to watch anime, and cui and christie and kevin do watch anime, so you can sortof fangirl about stuff with people, and that’s always nice. :) but i had a really great time, and i
not much to say, other than i’m still looking for a job. >__
an hour and a bath later, i feel like i am more equipped to judge exactly what has pushed me off the edge… and it’s all the little things in the day isn’t it? the feeling of isolation and abandonment, the feeling that people didn’t quite care enough to remember your name, the feeling of deja vu again when she asked for your telephone number and promised to call (or not)– is it not the same snub last year when they assure you you had it won only to give it to someone else? the feelings of infinite crappiness in how i treat perfectly nice people, the feelings of unease and terror and sadness when i realise i do not know my brother, that churning churning feeling when anything associated with my brother is invoked. the feeling that i cannot fight anymore please why can’t you be there for me when for once i truly want someone to be there for me.
and it’s just… all these little little incidents, little casual violences– be it being inflicted on me, or me inflicting it on others– i can joke, and i can brush it off, and i can give everyone the world of the benefit of the doubt, and i can assure myself you think no worse of me– but it’s still violence violence violence. it’s in silent forms, but it’s still violence, little subtle atrocities that hurt me everytime.
i don’t deny that perhaps there is a mildly perverse bit of me inflicting it on myself, everytime i try to force them into absence in jokes and laughing brush offs they are invoked into presence all the same and they kill me all over. there’s just so much repression in my life, that everything triggers off some hidden landmine. and there is The Event one year ago that haunts me incessantly everytime i talk with you, that sense of betrayal and wariness of the duplicity of your tongue.
i mean, it’s not anyone’s fault. everything can be traced to me, my feelings of guilt, or paranoia, of deep-seated resentment, of emotional neediness and fear of rejection, of fear of external judgment.
and so it’s no one’s fault but yours yours yours yours and yours, but for them to be, it is above all mine.
[/cryptic]
it’s 12:46m and i’m breaking down and crying and and i can’t stop and it’s been a weird day and i’m just really tired and maybe i’m not cut out for the social world but i just feel emptied and drained and after all the highs and lows there’s nothing in between anymore just nothing nothing nothing and it’s not anyone in particular that’s pushed me off the edge, it’s just all the little things in my head that are making me think too much and sometimes i wish i wasn’t everything to everyone because it just means that i’m nothing to me. and i’m so sorry if i can’t fulfil all your expectations, it’s just sometimes i’m so tired and so… warped that there are days where i’m really not cut out for the normal things but i’ll get better after a while.
and it’s no one’s fault.
am back in singapore! have been back since friday morning. but am horribly jetlagged and my digestive tract is not being very kind to me…
met the moste noble neil gaiman today, and he is every inch the sweet, earnest, charming englishman people have said that he was. i am utterly taken by him. shall blog more about this, but in the meantime… i desperately need sleep.
