You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2005.
there is something untouchably sad about the last evening here at york. there is something solemn in the sky that remains obstinately blue even now at 9.13pm, and something melancholic in the way it fades and yet darkens at the horizon to a pale orange. is it really closure that you feel, packing your life into boxes, or is it something more than that, something like bitterness, only not so much angry as disappointed; or maybe something like happiness, only quieter and more peaceful than the usual romps; something like life was carried out here, and surely there must be growth; disillusionment merely means growing out of childish fancies to being more equipped to face the world.
it’s strange to leave just as things were getting comfortable, and you were finally getting to know people. strange to only be able to see the beauty of the sky fading from black to purple to blue to white on your last weekend as you sit on the dock by the lake and sing to ducks. and strange to be able to stare at the many spiders outside your window with something bordering on affection as you trace their journey along the threads of web that suspend and defy gravity along the pane.
but if first year is orientation and learning and strengthening, then second year is hopefully branching out and stretching and taking that leap. i cannot continue to waste my life and never try because i am too scared to.
here’s to a year of academia and ducks, and i’ll see you next autumn.
you know you are starting to be driven insane by late-night packing and insects (of all [english] variety!) flying into your room and attacking you when you look at your left arm and think your mole is another insect crawling on you.
-scream-
tis 2.22am here now, and have finished stuffing 2 cartons of stuff. have realised why i hate packing. it’s because i’m so anal retentive and obsessive compulsive that things have to be a particular way, a particular order, and once you start, you can’t stop. you have to keep going and going, and if you stop halfway, you can’t sit still. your mind just overloads thinking about everything you haven’t done.
once more, i suspect i might be mildly psychotic.
well, i suppose 2 hours and 25 minutes past your anniversary, it may be a bit late to write about it, but it feels wrong if i don’t. curiously i found out en qi’s brother’s birthday was yesterday as well. and he’s 12, while you would have been 24 this year. i could say something about the curious juxtaposition of a commemoration of both life and death at once on the same day, and how curious it is you two were both born in the year of the chicken; but sometimes life doesn’t do this on purpose, and we try to draw too many line, too many connections to make things mean more– but they don’t. my brother dies 3 years ago that day. en qi’s brother turns 12 today. the world moves on. both rarely register in the scope of universal things. somewhere out there someone loses a loved one to cancer, a man is robbed, someone turns 90, and mrs dalloway gives a dinner. if we paid attention, we could draw links between them, but ultimately what’s the point? it wouldn’t prove anything.
except maybe that the universe has a rather twisted sense of humour.
btw, i just tested the layout on Internet Explorer… and it doesn’t align. -__- damn it all to heck. shall have to tweak it a bit… but all you IE users out there should take it as a hint to:
i come free from essays bearing [attempts at] art!
pleh. they’ve all got a bit o shading… mostly cos they looked too plain in black and white… though the shading is deliberately ‘ming’. >___
chizuru and her remote-control fan. yes. that’s a fan. am too lazy to draw it properly. though orihime is fantastically easy to draw, if her boobs weren’t so perturbing i’d draw her more often. :)
fuu from samurai champloo. :) wanted to draw battle!fuu for the longest time.
rukia from ichi’s point-of-view… ^_-
and the many faces of rukia. well, 5 faces only antually. some turned out better than the rest. -__-
voila. pleh. must. practice. more.
ETA: lookie! terribly depressive blog layout! huzzah!
an update to the NeckLump ™ Report:
to quote the moste noble NHS doctor: probably just a swelling in the lymph node. most likely benign. wait a while more, see your doctor in singapore.
well that wasn’t much help, to be honest. but hey, consultation’s free so i’m not complaining.
in the meantime, essay’s all done, so it’s packing-ho! and reading for my seminar tomorrow. -__- aiiiie.
there is a strange sort of quiet, and surreality following a week of relative happiness. everything in the world looks too new, too clean, too still and too normal. you’d think something might register an absence, or maybe a cat walk by the doorway twice to register a rewriting in the system, but no– the world goes on, even if you refuse to move along with it.
am seeing doctor about NeckLump ™ on monday. hopefully t’won’t be nuffink serious. shall finish up my last essay for the term by monday as well, after which i shall be pretty free to pack up my life here into little boxes for storage, and return to singapore.
i can imagine the freedom of being on the train to manchester, of checking in at the airport, and of being on the airplane. the surreality of being suspended in zurich, and the strange lightness of landing in changi where the sun is always bright and the sky cloudless and blue and still. i like journeys, though they all have to end.
[/sadness]
taking a momentary break from the NeckLump report (my god, i find that phrase ridiculously funny. i’m almost embarrassed.) (almost.)
have been feeling a funny tumult of emotions lately… singapore seems nearer to me now, and i i realise i can’t run away from facing up to the horrible things that i’ve done because they’re going to catch up with me once i get back.
you don’t really know me, and it’s just so stressful sometimes, that i have to be a certain way, a certain ‘ailin’ in your mind(s), and if i’m sad i don’t even have the right to be that anymore… it’s just horribly complex isn’t it? my life isn’t so much my own as yours or yours or maybe even yours to play with… and i feel physically sick with it. there’s something reacting to all these and i don’t know what to do and there’s no, no one to turn to. i haven’t been this upset in a long time, but nowadays i just meander on in a vacuum of alternating horror and euphoria, and maybe the two aren’t so different after all.
i want to walk, walk, walk away from this.
to answer people’s questions:
where is the lump?
>____
it’s below the skin, is hardish, definite shape (roundish), no visible discolouring on flesh, in fact you can only see the bump from the side… from top view it looks normal. is smooth, not movable, not compressible, as far as i can tell, not pulsatile. is not noticeably warmer than any other part of my neck. haven’t had any illness lately. was on the verge of a sore throat lately, but had downed a coupla sore throat medication >__
as for char’s questions: stressed? yes, a bit, but not unnaturally so. fingers not trembling more than usual? >__
i guess the main reason why i’m reluctant to see a doctor is 1) i don’t trust the health service here. there is a reason why it’s free, after all. 2) i’m really not keen on undergoing surgery here >__
i er, have mildly disturbing news… i found this lump in my neck. and i know lumps normally aren’t exactly signs of startling health… so should i see a doctor? i mean, it’s about 1.5cm in diameter, and it visibly pops out of the side of my neck… >___
