You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2005.
phew. mon essai est fait! et, je suis fier de lui… bien que je suis tres fatigué maintenant, je suis plus heureux.
aussi, rappelez l’audition que je suis allée au jeudi passé? j’ai obtenue une pièce! je dois travailler plus dur. :) prends plus de chances.
je ne veux pas gaspiller ma vie.
dans d’autres nouvelles… j’ai décidé de pratiquer mon français davantage. si vous ne comprenez pas mon entrée, alors… trop mauvais. employez le babelfish fantastique!
ETA: er, babelfish doesn’t really do a good job of translating that… but oh well. a lot of it’s waffle anyway.
-hacks- -blows nose- i think i’m falling sick… i know this feeling of being on the verge of falling really sick (i rarely fall sick, so if i do, it’s pretty serious…) and some little part of me doesn’t want to recover. although i know that that’s just running away from problems and not really a solution, but i just want a reason to just stay in bed and not be tense and not feel like i have to be prepared to haul myself cow-heavy and floral and rush rush rush another day away. sigh. -conks out-
i went for my first audition just now. O_O it’s not for a regular play… but for an audio one. so it’s mostly about the voice. and well… i won’t be devastated if i don’t get it, because i was obviously nervous… and i didn’t take enough time to really… emote. was trying to cut out the overthinking… which i think i did mostly well. and well… i did it. and i feel so much better that i actually went through with it. and… i feel almost ready to audition for a proper play next term. :)
it snowed today! and i was caught in it as i walked out to meet jason for church, and it really is very pretty and romantic to see small powdery swirly white specks just falling everywhere haphazard randomly and soft. my black coat turned nearly all white–you can imagine the extent of the snow.
in church today we had a sermon on peace, and being a better person… and there was something i copied down because… well, i think it’s something i ought to live by (christian or no).
Love Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Self-Control
Faithfulness
and i vaguely remember (my memory has been failing me lately) the pastor saying that they all lead to one another… like you need love and joy to get peace, with peace comes patience for others, and if you’re patient you’ll be kind, and then good. etc.
i think i made up my mind a long time ago to live by these principles… but as you get older it gets harder and more complicated and more difficult and everything just slips away faster. how can you get to the later stages if love and joy can only last so long?
-thoughtful-
i feel like i’m trapped in a pinter-esque tragedy of insecurity where everyday i shall write in my diary all the grand plans in my head, to audition for at least one god-damned play, to finish drawing the unfinished sketches in my sketchbook, to get involved in community service or volunteering, to finish my essay by this week, to start writing up scripts and doing proper conceptual art, to create that movie (you know, the one that’s been playing in my head of silence and hope and loss), to be good enough to actually -dare- to ge a deviantart account, to become what i wanted (always wanted although i never told anyone) to be. but they are just sound and fury signifying nothing, nothing will come out of it because i’m too scared to take that first step because i’m afraid (know?) that if i do and i fail then i know that i am ordinary just like everyone else. (there is a drip-drip-dripping into the bucket.)
i’m tired. of thinking that i’ll join one of the school papers, i’ll start writing again, i’ll start to draw -seriously-, i’ll write that story, i’ll lose weight, i’ll try out for a play, i’ll make full use of my time here at york.
it’s become a bit of a running joke here in york, that everytime we get together and want to go somewhere, someone will make the suggestion to go, but nothing happens- then one of the English girls will go, “we do not move.”
but it’s the story of my life. one day i will wake up and i will be forty, in a safe job, with a 5 room flat, and a nice toyota family car, and i’ll think, tomorrow i will start drawing that story i’ve been planning since i was 18.
(but she does not move.)
wow. a week’s passed and the melancholia is still hovering about. i suppose a lot of it is due to my own inertia, which depresses me (because i know am wasting my time) and yet i can’t (won’t) pull myself out of it. and i squandered my french test today. i utterly flubbed it. which is a valuable lesson, as madame rix said, and i don’t think i will ever forget that on foot is la pied, to look for and to fetch is chercher, faster is plus vite, and it’s je prends not prend. and i’m really quite upset over it, because i know i tend to pick up languages faster, but sheer complacency really did me in this time. and it’s no one’s fault but my own.
been drawing a lot lately (though, by a lot, it means hours and hours over one single drawing…) and it is calmingfrustratingwant.to.die. all at once. but i am (for once) moderately happy with what i’m producing…
a little more than an hour till valentines’ day passes, and kelvin should be starting his jungle survival course in brunei anytime now. but still, this valentines’ day made me smile moronically (as i traipsed back to james with a silly shiny helium balloon bobbing in my face) and cry (just a bit) but the bottom line is that love actually, is all around us. so it’s happy and sad and happysad the only way love can be.
happy valentines’ day, y’all.
i finally got around to downloading the smashing pumpkins’ mellon collie and the infinite sadness album to my computer from my mp3 player… and have been listening to it ever since. and i suppose what the critics say is true… there’s a certain narcissism in billy corgan’s lyrics, he is the messiah of misery, the god of despair, He Knoweth Pain. but at the same time i still think that below the showy anger lies some sincerity and despair and honesty and rage that transcends the shouting (especially in muzzle), and really, he did embody, i think, teenage angst; the feelings of being lost and overwhelmed, of desperation, of a neverending fear of mediocrity, and of a relentless holding on to the fact that we are special i am special i am unique and immortal and really i am.
muzzle
the smashing pumpkins
I fear that I’m ordinary, just like everyone
To lie here and die among the sorrows
Adrift among the days
For everything I ever said
And everything I’ve ever done is gone and dead
As all things must surely have to end
And great lovers will one day have to part
I know that I am meant for this world
My life has been extraordinary
Blessed and cursed and won
Time heals but I’m forever broken
By and by the way…
Have you ever heard the words
I’m singing in these songs?
It’s for the girl I’ve loved all along
Can a taste of love be so wrong
As all things must surely have to end
And great lovers will one day have to part
I know that I am meant for this world
And in my mind as I was floating
Far above the clouds
Some children laughed I’d fall for certain
For thinking that I’d last forever
But I knew exactly where I was
And I knew the meaning of it all
And I knew the distance to the sun
And I knew the echo that is love
And I knew the secrets in your spires
And I knew the emptiness of youth
And I knew the solitude of heart
And I knew the murmurs of the soul
And the world is drawn into your hands
And the world is etched upon your heart
And the world so hard to understand
Is the world you can’t live without
And I knew the silence of the world
considering today was one of the worst days that i have ever had, i’d expected this post today to be depressive and angsty, but somehow french class managed to change all that… i remarked to jiawen that it had been a really shitty day, and was on the verge of tears by the time i reached french class, to which she had simply replied, “well, it’s ending.”
and i don’t really understand why, but these words didn’t seem trite and condescending to me, and it was filled with such an honest and matter-of-fact affirmation and assurance, that i felt considerably better and more stable. and i do not know why this is so, perhaps it contains a certain sagacity when coming out form a 24-year-old teacher-to-be. perhaps, she managed to nip it in the bud before it became a full-blown silent howl. but whatever it was, it calmed me considerably. and coupled with en qi’s phone call, and an msn conversation with sharon, i feel much better now.
and i suppose now i fully appreciate what my time at york has brought me… sure, i still suffer acute people-phobia on a regular basis, but it’s the exact opposite of my JC life. in jc, i knew tonnes of people, from Chinese Soc, from council, from senior council, from primarysecondaryandbeyond schools, from my class, the friends or friends… and i suppose it was always nice to always be able to see a familiar face every few steps, but i was never really that close to a majority. and now i find i hardly know anyone, but the people that i do know i can quite honestly say i adore. i have never met a nicer, more open bunch of people, and that is one thing that i feel eternally grateful for.
thank you guys. :) for the [surprise] phone calls, the fangirling, and the grossly inappropriate and yet hilarious male-isms… and just, thanks.
it just occurred to me that this is an oddly appropriate memory with which i am about to end my lunar year with. anger and silence and laughter and calm.
and all, is love.
l’esprit d’escalier. sigh. but i suppose i am growing up slowly, because somehow i’m moving on and really not caring (much) anymore and trying not to over-analyse things in me head…
am meeting a producer of a play (it’s really less fantastic than it sounds, really) to talk about helping out as a production assistant, so will have to overcome the people-phobia and just suck it in and be normal… which i think i can do. (right?)
am prepared to have A Weekend From Hell, because i have an essay due on Monday, and i haven’t done research, i haven’t a thesis, and hell, i actually don’t even know what poem i’m doing. O_O yerp. doom beckons.
this entry sounds horribly drained of emotion, doesn’t it?
anyways, a fun thing for y’all to play with, it’s The Gender Genie! just copy and paste any writing sample of yours and see if it turns up the right gender. as a note of interest, (virginia) woolf’s theory was that people who were good at lit had to be relatively androgynous, i.e. they had to have a god mixture of both male and female characteristics, and could people who take lit, or profess to be good at it (:P), or enjoy creative writing try the thing out with the best piece of writing you think you have and just leave a note of whether your male and female scores were relatively close or not.
and i woke up to this rufus wainwright song playing on my compy, and it just… it was just apt, for some reason. not for that particular moment, but more of my general mood and frame of mind. tis a pretty song (if slightly repetitive).
Vibrate
Lyrics by Rufus Wainwright
My phone’s on vibrate for you
Electroclash is karioke too
I try to dance Britney Spears
I guess I’m getting on in years
My phone’s on vibrate for you
God knows what all these new drugs do
I guess to have no more fears
But still I always end up in tears
My phone’s on vibrate for you
But still I never ever feel from you
Pinocchio’s now a boy
Who wants to turn back into a toy
So call me
Call me in the morning
Call me in the night
So call me
Call me anytime you like
My phone’s on vibrate for you
For you
about an hour and a fire scare later, i feel i need to come and say that i’m not blogging for any outpour of sympathy and that these are things i needed to get out of me purely for my own reasons and i’m normally not this histrionic, it’s just a whole amalgamation of reasons that push you this much closer to the edge and recently they’ve been pushing with especial force. but really, i’m fine.
